My friend Rebecca Glaser shares an encouraging story with us today. As a parent it can be challenging for us to stay in relational mode when those around us are slipping into enemy mode, I especially notice this is true for me when my kids are complaining. In this story I love how Rebecca stayed in her relational sweet spot and was able to tenderly synchronize with her son’s big feelings and help him recover his peace.
Rebecca Glaser is a mom to 5 kids and passionate about becoming a joyful, relational parent who passes those skills on to her children.
My husband, high school aged children, and one of their friends were playing a game one night when my 9 year old son walked in, saw what they were doing and wanted to play too. He asked, “Why didn’t you tell me you were starting?” in a hurt tone of voice. They let him know that this was a complicated, long game for older people, and not one they thought he would enjoy. Since he was here wanting to play, they would include him, but he would have to play a specific character that was not too difficult. My son was angry and hurt.
I could see that his relational circuits were off and he was slipping into enemy mode. He didn’t want to play that character, he couldn’t believe they didn’t invite him, he didn’t want to sit in that chair, everyone was being mean to him–the complaints kept coming. In his distress, he was taking the joy out of the game for everyone.
I called him into the other room, and instead of scolding him, I looked into his eyes, mirroring the look on his face, and asked him about what he was feeling. He was mad and sad, and didn’t know how to deal with this mix of emotions along with the feeling that no one was glad to be with him. As he told me these things, the anger drained out of his face and big tears ran down his cheeks. I held him and let him know I saw him, that I understood why he was feeling this way.
His dad came over and was able to explain that they weren’t excluding him because they didn’t like him, they just didn’t think he would enjoy this game. If he wanted to try it, they were glad to play with him and help him.
The game night did not turn out quite the way any of them had wanted, but they did feel connected and not like anyone was an enemy.
A beautiful testimony to your precious heart, Rebecca, and to the skills we are learning. Hopefully many mamas will get this better, relational way to handle a grumpy little fellow who does not need to be scolded but rather be lovingly attuned with.