Today my friend Barbara shares a story with you that gives us an example of healthy shame, based on the work of Dr Jim Wilder. For many of us the phrase “healthy shame” sets off alarm bells. In our culture the word “shame” is becoming taboo and something to be avoided. There is a difference between healthy shame and toxic shame and unfortunately for most of us when we think of times we felt shamed it was probably toxic shame. Shame is the message “I am not glad to be with you at this moment, what you are doing is not life giving”. Toxic shame says something about me is bad, whereas healthy shame shares how we have strayed from who God made us to be and calls us back.
Healthy shame is an important part of correction and as parents and grandparents it’s important for us to avoid giving toxic shame messages and instead share healthy shame messages. We also want to be open to receiving healthy shame messages from our children and grandchildren (as well as others) as the ability to give and receive healthy shame messages builds safety in relationships.
Barbara Moon is a mother of 4, grandmother to 11, and great grandmother to 6. Family is very important to her and she loves sharing relational skills, especially with some of the grandchildren. Barbara is an author, speaker, and small group leader in the Atlanta area.
At church one day a bunch of my family was standing around enjoying my newest great grandbaby. I asked my granddaughter, Brenna (age 23), if she wanted to hold him. She shook her head no and shrugged. I then said, “Well, you have to get used to it sometime.”
Later after I arrived home, I got this text from Brenna: “Hey, Nana, it embarrassed me in church today with what you said about me holding the baby. I just wanted to let you know because I know I can safely tell you about my hurt feelings and that I know it wasn’t your intention.” I quickly responded with: “Oh, I am so sorry. Thank you for telling me. Please forgive me. I will certainly be more careful. I do not want to hurt you in any way.” Brenna came back with: “I forgive you, Nana, and I love you very much. I’m so grateful I can come to you for things like this.” I replied, “Absolutely! I would be devastated to find out a lot later!” Brenna put a heart on that, and we were alright with each other.
This was not the first time we exchanged healthy shame messages. Being able to return to joy certainly adds to authentic relationships. We grandmothers have to be safe and consistent enough for these young people to have the courage to let their feelings be known. It actually feels good to know that she would tell me instead of building up a pile of hurt feelings.
—
- For more on understanding the difference between healthy shame and toxic shame, the book The Pandora Problem by Jim Wilder dives deep into this concept.
- For another perspective on the value of healthy shame messages, check out this article by Psychology Today.
- Find more resources at https://thrivetoday.org/skill11/
Leave a Reply