Asking For What You Need

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Heather Meades, author and missionary, parent to 3 and grandparent to 5. She is passionate about joy and skills to stay healthy and relational.

Several years ago I was praying for my teenage son. I specifically asked Immanuel if there was anything else Will needed before leaving our home. I did not sense anything at that moment, but I was confident that He would be gracious to reveal it at the right time.

Weeks later on a pleasant September morning I found myself sitting across the table from my 11^th grade son. We each had a computer in front of us – he was busy writing an essay for English as I engaged in my work. Will is my youngest, my last child at home. I was 19 years into my homeschooling journey. One more year and we would both graduate!

I paused from work to sip my lukewarm tea. I looked up; my eyes landed on my son’s focused face. He was completely unaware of my peering.

Suddenly Immanuel took me by surprise with these words, “He doesn’t know how to ask for what he needs.” I repeated the words back to myself quietly, “he doesn’t know how to ask for what he needs?”  I knew this was my answer. I thought to myself, “How do we teach this now?”

According to Dr. Jim Wilder, in Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You, this is a child level maturity skill. It was missing in my son. Somehow in our journey, my husband and I had failed to pass this important skill on to him. I teetered between sadness and gratefulness. I could have beat myself up, but instead I leaned into an opportunity at a do-over.

Moving through the ambivalence, I posed another question to Immanuel, “How do I teach this much needed and important skill to Will now?”  I ended my listening with profuse gratitude for another chance at giving him what he needed.

I shared with my husband; and with wisdom he said, “Let’s talk to Will about this.” We invited Will into the conversation and told him all the details. We were able to repent and ask him for a do-over, an opportunity to teach him what was missed. Will was forgiving and thankful. We prayed together and listened quietly.

Moments later, my husband broke the silence with a question for Will, “What do you feel you need?” Will’s eyes widened, he leaned his head back against the couch, and he took a deep breath. The question had a visible effect on him. Then all at once, like an uncorked bottle his needs came pouring out. I think the quickness startled us all. With surprised smiles, tight hugs, and the beginnings of filling the missing maturity gap, we responded to his needs in a timely and appropriate manner. It was an instant convergence of growth and healing, a balm to our souls.

The walking it out took practice, yet it was helpful that we were aware and mindful of our new learning curve. This situation set our awareness to ask, “What do you need? What do I need?”

Today our son is 25, married, and has his own son on the way. I am grateful that way back then I took the time to ask Immanuel, to listen for His response, and to choose the do-over. Now Will is much better equipped to live from the heart Jesus gave him and give his son what he now has. My heart still feels the joy of Immanuel’s tender response to us. God doesn’t see us and sees what is wrong. He sees us and sees what’s missing. Maturity skills can be missing, and it is never too late to fill the gaps. With Immanuel and our community we can grow and heal beautifully.

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