I think at some point in our parenting journey we all end up struggling with Mom guilt. When my kiddos were young I felt like there wasn’t enough of me to go around and I felt guilty for not being able to “do it all”, now that our boys are teens, it most often creeps up on me in the moments when I don’t handle an interaction well and lose my patience in response to lack of follow through or negative attitudes. My friend Brittany does a lovely job sharing how she has learned to find peace in the midst of the Mom guilt trap and turn to the Lord for His perspective (aka Godsight) and gives some really helpful suggestions to help you find peace as well!
Brittany Hamilton is a parent to 2 kids and is passionate about joy, art, and cross-cultural family life.
I am a recovering perfectionist. I was the little girl who came home and cried in my parents’ closet the first time I got a B on my report card. I’ve spent most of my adult life growing in Godsight to see myself as He sees me, loved and accepted as is.
Fast-forward to parenthood and mom guilt hit. I’d read all the Life Model parenting books I could get my hands on and pushed to complete all three tracks of Thrive training before our first child’s birth. I felt nervous but equipped and ready to be a great Mom.
…..mhmmmmm….. you can see where this is going.
The start of motherhood came with a slew of family crises, a chronic illness, and an international move. I had weeks I couldn’t function, let alone help care for a small human.
In year 4 of motherhood, I joined in on a Thriving Mama’s Together Time. I had my newborn sleeping in my arms and felt another wash of thick, heavy, energy-draining shame pooling in my gut. I tearfully asked the other moms how they handle it when they can’t give their kids what they know they need. I’ll never forget Jen’s response. She said, “Brittany, your kids need you to mess up as a Mom… If you are a perfect Mom your kids will never know how to deal or cope with their own failures and imperfections. They need you to model messing up and repairing. They NEED you to blow it.”
All the pieces came together at that moment. It was so simple. The shame pool started to dissolve and fluttery hopeful bubbles of joy took its place.
This Godsight reframe slowly reshaped everything for me. In my nightly appreciation times with my husband, I started sharing joy memories of blowing it and repairing relationship with my kids. Mistakes became chances to restore relationships. My chronic illness became an opportunity to teach my daughter how our people suffer well and how we show tenderness in weakness. God did it again. He reframed what I saw as my biggest weakness into a strength.
Are you struggling under the weight of Mom Guilt? There is hope and options for dealing with mom guilt.
Here are some options for you to experiment with:
- Ask moms you respect to share stories of how they acted like themselves when mom guilt hit to build up options for acting like yourself in returning to Joy from Shame.
- Create a simple game plan for experimenting with shifting your focus from shame to modeling relationship repairs. What tone and phrases do you want to use when repairing the relationship with your kids? What values do you want your kids to have when they blow it? This doesn’t have to be complicated. I just asked my 7-year-old her favorite strategy I use and she likes it when I just say “I’m sorry… I blew it” in a silly voice….. We’ve decided part of our strategy is to not take our mistakes too seriously.
- Take a moment to ask God for a Godsight encounter journaling the following prompts.
- Close your eyes and picture a memory where you felt like God was glad to be with you and write down your appreciation to Him for that moment.
- Listen for God’s response to your appreciation and write it down.
- Ask Him how He sees you when you don’t measure up to your expectations of motherhood and write down His response.
- Ask Him if he wants you to know anything else about that.
- Anytime you lose a sense of His peace go back to the memory in step 1 until you feel His peace again before continuing.
- Share any Godsight you received with a safe person in your life.
Cheers to becoming masters of mistakes and to very messy and beautiful motherhood!
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Learn more about Godsight: www.thrivetoday.org/skill13
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