The story my friend Rebecca shares today is a great example of noticing when she slipped out of Relational Mode and sought God’s perspective to find her curiosity in the midst of her son not following directions. I know when my boys don’t follow directions it is easy for me to slip into Enemy Mode where the problem (not following directions) feels bigger and more important than the relationship at the moment. Quickly noticing when we’ve slipped out of relational mode and into enemy mode and taking steps to get back is one of the best gifts we can give to ourselves and our kids!
Rebecca Glaser is a parent to 5 kids and is passionate about becoming a joyful, relational parent who passes those skills on to her children.
One night I sent my pre-teen son upstairs to get ready for bed. When I checked in on him sometime later, I found that he had gone to his room and was watching videos on his tablet. I felt some anger and disgust, like he was disrespecting me by not following directions and was not being life-giving to our family’s schedule of getting everyone into bed. I scolded him and told him not to do this again. We continued with our bedtime routine, and as I took some breathes and felt my relational circuits start to come back on, I started to get some Godsight about why my son had acted this way.
Earlier that evening, his 4 and 6 year old cousins had visited us, and my sweet son had willingly entertained them all evening–playing games, building legos, helping them have a wonderful time. It occurred to me that he had not had any time to himself that day, and as he and I are both introverts, I know how much we value a few minutes of free time after being around people continually.
When I was tucking him into bed, I asked some curious questions about how he was feeling, and confirmed that he had wanted some time to decompress. I thanked him for being so kind to his cousins and helping them have a good time. Then I asked him to communicate with me about his need for some personal time in the future, and let him know that I saw him and his kind heart, and wasn’t still thinking that he was just being selfish and disobedient.
Instead of this becoming an issue where everyone felt misunderstood and angry, we all went to sleep feeling seen and connected.
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Learn more about the terms Relational Mode and Enemy Mode in this podcast episode.
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