When our children are struggling with big emotions the desire to reassure them is a natural response, but if we don’t validate what they are feeling before offering comfort and reassurance they can end up feeling even more alone. Rebecca shares a great example of using Validation and Comfort to join her daughter in some big emotions. By offering validation and then comfort, her daughter recovers to being glad to be together in the midst of some lingering sadness.
Rebecca Glaser is a parent to 5 kids and is passionate about becoming a joyful, relational parent who passes those skills on to her children.
Right before my daughter left for her second year of college, she found out that she was allergic to quite a few foods and those allergies were making her feel sick. She would have to make some major changes in her diet, two days before going to live in a dorm and trying to eat at a dining hall. I noticed that after hearing this news, she seemed much less excited about packing and getting ready to move. She was lying in her bed, watching movies and scrolling social media, separating herself from the rest of the family.
I went into her room to talk to her, and to try the VCR tool (Validate, Comfort, Recover) to find out what she was feeling before offering to help. We talked about her sadness about the loss of many of the foods she enjoys, including the social aspect of eating with and cooking for other people. She had loved living on campus the year before and being able to go to whatever dining hall or restaurant was the most convenient, or making late-night McDonalds runs with friends, a college tradition. She was also feeling some despair about her situation. There was no easy fix for this, and the prospect of having to figure out how to feed herself in addition to a very full class schedule felt overwhelming. Since sadness and despair are both very low energy emotions, she felt almost paralyzed and stuck in bed. I let her know I saw those emotions and that they were heavy and made sense. I told her that I was glad to be with her in all of this, even the big emotions. I sat with her and rubbed her back.
After a few minutes, I asked her if she would be willing to join me in some appreciation of a good memory and to take some deep breaths together. She was, so we did that. At the end of our breaths, I asked, “Immanuel, do you have anything to tell us about this situation?”
We both listened. My daughter heard the assurance that this was an opportunity for her to get healthy and that it was not permanent. She felt more peaceful and able to think about the future.
I got some ideas about how to make shopping and cooking easier, and shared those with her.
Checking her face, posture and tone of voice after this, I asked her if she was ready to get out of bed and do the shopping and packing that needed done. We spent the rest of the day together feeling connected and glad to be together, even in the sadness.
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Learn More:
- For more examples of using VCR, check out these blogs Skills That Even Calm Darth Vader, and Returning to Joy.
- VCR is featured in Skill 11 of the 19 relational skills.
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