What do you do when you discover your child is hiding things? How we react is important, no matter their age or severity of their actions. Discovering behaviors we aren’t happy with is tough. Responding with maturity as a parent isn’t always easy but learning about and practicing relational skills gives us the foundation to guide our kids in a way that can help them actually learn from their mistakes in a safe environment.
I had this experience recently and while very difficult, I am grateful for my own skills leading the way in my response.
Recently one of our boys was caught making a mistake. He made some bad decisions (including some that had potential for long term impact for him and our family) and had hidden them from us.
If this situation had come up before I had learned relational skills I know I would not have handled it well. I would have yelled, tried to control the situation and tried to make sure my son never wanted to make a mistake again! Fixing the “problem” would have felt so important I wouldn’t have thought of prioritizing tending the relationship. The result likely would have sent him further down the road of hiding things from us rather than building safety to share his struggles and mistakes with us and would have created a lot of strain in our relationship. Relational skills don’t prevent bad things from happening, but help neutralize toxic responses and minimize relational casualties.
The week before this discovery, a friend had given me the advice to “pray your boys make mistakes they can learn from while they are still under your roof and have a softer landing than when they make mistakes in the adult world”. When I discovered the things my son had been hiding, I was holding onto this wisdom and praying for him to fully embrace this opportunity for growth and learning and praying for wisdom as I walked alongside him in parenting him through these decisions.
I knew that finding Jesus’ peace for myself before talking to our son was going to be important. Some moments in the process I did this well and others I admit I did not. I will say everytime I did hold onto Jesus’ peace through a conversation, the conversations went better than the times I didn’t. I also knew these bad decisions brought up lots of fears for me (not being able to trust after trust was broken; what others would think when they found out that we – who teach relational skills – had made mistakes and our son – who was raised with relational skills – had made bad decisions; what the impact would be on our and his life; and what this could mean for his future). I also knew we didn’t want to make our parenting decisions out of fear, so I didn’t trust my own ideas of how we should respond to the situation and kept bringing all the pieces before the Lord and inviting Him to show me how I would handle this if I wasn’t afraid.
Through the process I was praying our son would be able to see his mistakes and approach the repair process with a spirit of humility and repentance rather than justification. I am grateful he went this route, especially since I know it would have been a much bumpier road if he chose to justify his decisions rather than acknowledge his errors.
We received three pieces of advice that proved to be very helpful in the process. If applying them with your child, prayerfully consider what they could look like in your unique situation.
- Don’t protect him from the natural consequences of his decisions. I admit there were times I was tempted to shield him from some of the consequences, especially the ones that had potential fallout for the rest of our family as well.
- Be willing to discover there may be more to the issue than has been brought to light and take the time to look deeper. In our case it involved a deep dive of all devices he has access to and a search of his room to find out the full extent of anything else he might have been hiding from us rather than trusting he told us everything. This idea was also challenging at first because I still had the mindset that I could trust him and didn’t need to fully explore myself, but was grateful to make sure we knew the scope of what we were dealing with.
- Allow the broken trust to shorten the “leash” of privileges to the degree that the breach of trust calls for. This allows the natural consequences to also include limitations on what he is allowed to do when trust isn’t present, while providing opportunities to start rebuilding trust.
We also worked to keep at the forefront of our parenting the goal to have a son who discovers who God made Him to be and what is a satisfying expression of God in him rather than a son who follows all of the rules for fear of the consequences, but has no idea who he is (we want him to be a young man motivated by identity rather than fear). So we have made connecting with him and leading him into connecting with Jesus a priority throughout the process.
While I wish there was a formula for us to apply (and for me to share with you) as we walk through mistakes and bad decisions with our children, I am grateful that Jesus wants to walk each step of the way with us and give us peace during the stormy times in life and parenting.
Very well said! Well done! It was a blessing to be part of the process.
There is something that Thrive taught me which I have made a governing rule in my life – keep the relationship bigger than the problem. Since I attended my first Thrive conference, (in 2009?) my kids grew up knowing that I love them for who they are, and it is not dependent on what they do. My children are now between the ages of 29 and 24 and I have a secure relationship with each one of them. They know that when we disagree about the choices they make in life, we can talk openly about it and deal with it in love. It made all the difference in their teen years, and it still makes all the difference in their adult years.
It would have been tempting to have your highest priority be protecting your image. This was a defining moment in your relationship, where you put his growth above how it made you look. You gave him a wonderful gift that will impact him for the rest of your life.