Sharing Appreciation in the Teen Years

Emily Woodward is a stepmom in California who loves finding ways to bring relational skills into the lives of her family members as well as to her students in her professional role as a Speech-Language Pathologist

As my youngest stepchild has officially entered the teen years, I’ve noticed he has both an increased need for joy as he faces more stress and demands on his capacity and also more resistance to activities that used to help us build joy together. He has entered the season of life for individuation and pushing back on us and our ways. He also resists opportunities to appreciate others that he didn’t used to reject so strongly, like writing a thank you note or participating in our dinnertime appreciation practice. This has been discouraging and frustrating for me, even though I understand some of it is developmental. It helps me to look for ways that I can gently suggest appreciation activities that honor his growing need for autonomy, authentically just offering an idea and not demanding it of him. I was really satisfied with a recent win that struck this balance and helped him practice Skill 4, sharing appreciation.

There is a crossing guard who works at the high school on the main road near our house. Both my husband and I drive past her on our way to work every morning, and my stepson bikes past her on his way to the junior high. I always forget that I’ll pass her, but then see her neon yellow safety vest as she turns to wave towards my car with a huge smile on her face. I usually wave back with my bright blue coffee mug in my hand, and feel the mutual recognition bring warmth to my chest and a grin to my face. She is always sporting a colorful fedora, so not knowing her name, we affectionately refer to her as “Hat Lady.” (I like to think she calls me Blue Coffee Cup Lady). 

Our school district makes a big deal out of teacher and staff appreciation week. At the last minute on Thursday night, I had the idea that I wanted to appreciate her for the way she spreads joy to me and our neighborhood. I picked some bright orange and yellow flowers from our yard (that reminded me of her neon vest!) and put them in a vase on the kitchen table and wrote a note to go with it. At dinner, I pointed them out, saying, “Look what I made for the Hat Lady! I wanted to appreciate her for teacher appreciation week because she always smiles and waves and puts me in a good mood when I drive past her. I know we both really love how she does that. I’m happy to drop these flowers off for her tomorrow, but I’m wondering if you would like to do that since Dad is already planning to drive you to school? You guys could do that together?” There was a chance he would blow up and perceive this as yet another a dumb and annoying chore. But I knew if he said no, I would gladly deliver the flowers myself, which could still model being the type of person who shares appreciation with others, whether or not he decided to participate. Making this a requirement would likely rob both of us of any potential joy, so I’d thought carefully about how to phrase it! 

However, I internally relaxed after taking this risk when my stepson smiled and made a comment about how awesome the Hat Lady was and how that day she had been wearing seashell earrings and how she always had such colorful accessories. He agreed that he would like to hop out of the car and hand her the vase, as long as I put them in the car the night before and Dad reminded him in the morning. I felt relief at his willingness to do something that I knew would feel good to his kind and generous heart and would also recognize the Hat Lady’s joy-sharing. I also felt energized and rejuvenated with a sense of triumph at this teen parenting win! “Maybe you can tell her that we addressed her card to Hat Lady because we don’t actually know her name, but you could ask her?” I added, and he laughed and agreed.