The Tension with Screens

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These days the most common point of contention in my house is about screens – how much, what kinds, when, where and why there have to be limitations at all.

Our culture today is very dependent on screens, and yet research shows too much screentime is not good for us as adults and even more so for the developing brains of our children. 

So how do we as parents take a counter-cultural stand, and yet still allow our children to reap the benefits of screens and teach them how to interact with technology in a healthy way that will serve them well into adulthood? It’s a complicated issue and there is not a “one size fits all” answer.

When our boys were young we set strict limits with access to screens. Overall, they just watched videos on long car rides or occasional family movies. We waited a long time before allowing any video games and phones were something they received when they started middle school sports for communication about pick up. Even so, we think we allowed phones too early (or at least smart phones). In retrospect, we wish we had either held off another few years or only given them “dumb” phones that can only text and call. 

I want to share some suggestions based on what we have experienced on our journey (both the things that have gone well and the things we have regretted) and how we have invited our teens into the conversation.

• Make sure you have the capacity to understand parental controls for any devices you give them and look at their history regularly. One of the mistakes we made was not understanding parental controls for our kids devices. We have since learned how to set usage limits as well as shut off times when they can’t use them. We have also discovered the importance of checking their usage history so we can catch problems sooner than later.
• Watch for signs of addiction and take a break at the first signs. Screens are highly addictive, so keep an eye out for signs of addiction (resistance to limits, thoughts, conversations and motivations revolving around screens, being “bored” with all other activities other than screens, etc.). Don’t wait till the addiction grows. Take a break from screens at the first signs of addiction and then test the waters with reintroducing them in smaller amounts. We have had to do this more than once and it is a messy process. By the time there are signs of addiction you can expect a lot of pushback from your kids about taking a break.
• Invite your kids into the conversation. Share your heart with your kids about screens and your goal to help them navigate issues that were not prevalent in your childhood and acknowledge you are also figuring this out. Help them understand the dangers of screens. Ask questions to help them notice their responses to screens and what role they want screens to play in their lives. We asked our teens to read a couple of books so they could hear from experts (not just their parents) about the dangers of screens and ideas of how to be proactive in our relationship with screens. 
• Help them learn satisfaction in other areas of their lives (things with less addictive potential and that have natural consequences) before giving them freedom to explore learning what is satisfying when it comes to screens. We have discovered they aren’t yet ready to learn what is satisfying the same way we let them learn by choosing their own bedtime and feeling the dissatisfaction of not getting enough sleep. 
• Talk to other parents with similar values for encouragement and insights on how they have handled things. It can feel discouraging to be alone in the battle for a counter-cultural healthy relationship with screens. We frequently reach out to other parents who we know recognize the dangers of screens and are walking this parenting journey as well. Knowing there are others out there trying to find the right balance in their family is encouraging even if their approach differs from yours.

• Set a good example. Set limits for yourself with screens. Aim to model a healthy relationship with screens and prioritizing connection and relationships over screens. When you catch yourself not modeling this well, help them interpret your example. We do not always model this well. We have shared that we are working on finding the balance in our own lives and don’t do it perfectly.
• Talk to the Lord and ask for His perspective, insights and creativity as you work to navigate a healthy relationship with screens in your family. This is especially important if you and your spouse aren’t on the same page or aren’t sure where to start in this arena.
• Give yourself grace. There is not one “right answer” on how to handle screens with your kids. We have made many mistakes along the way and so have our kids. Our goal is to look for ways we can turn those mistakes into learning opportunities. 

It can be hard to know where to start or to have a picture of what to aim for with screens as a family. We appreciated the book Tech Wise Parenting and it is one of the books we had our boys read as well. It shares some helpful tips as well as some possible goals you can set for your family as you decide how to navigate technology in your household. We have used a number of suggestions from the book in our family’s approach to screens.

Another helpful book is Joy Starts Here, which shares ideas on how to build joy as a family as well as the dangers of screens.

Any time we work to go against culture in our parenting it is challenging, so don’t be discouraged if you hit multiple bumps in the road around this topic.