Are there interactions with your kids that push your buttons? Recurring situations that drive you to lose your cool? Maybe when they don’t do what you ask or they do something you have asked them not to? Perhaps an attitude or “tone” they use when responding to you that sends you into enemy mode?
As I am growing as a parent I have discovered one of the best things I can do to parent my children well is to work on my own growth. And even though I have been intentionally practicing relational skills for nearly 25 years, I still mess up and respond in ways I’m not proud of. My tendency to try to control outcomes is one I have been working on for years (and will probably continue to work on for many years to come). I have discovered that there are lots of fears that have driven the need to be “in control” and over the years I have worked on finding Jesus’ peace in those places of fear, which has helped me let go more and more. I have also grown in my trust that Jesus has good things for me, even if the things He has for me are not the outcomes I thought were important.
When fears arise that push me towards controlling the circumstances I have noticed that my relational circuits start slipping and I often end up in enemy mode where problems become more important than my relationships. When I need to give feedback or correction to one of my boys I want to keep the relationship more important than the problem I am addressing, but I often find myself slipping into enemy mode where trying to control the outcome and fix the problem feels like the most important thing.
It’s taken some time but more and more I am catching myself in the moment as I’m slipping into enemy mode and often can stop myself before saying anything. I can then take some deep breaths and turn to Jesus and ask what He sees in the situation and what it’s like me to do in the situation if I am not trying to control the results or drive towards a specific outcome. Once I’ve found my own peace and Jesus’ perspective I discover I feel tenderness towards their weakness that created the issue and curiosity about what’s going on in them.
When I am able to address problems with tenderness and curiosity it is amazing how much better the interactions go than when I am trying to control or “fix” the problem or behavior.
—
If these ideas are new to you or you want to find out more, I recommend The Joy Switch book and materials to identify when you are slipping out of relational mode and ways to help yourself get back to it. For those of you looking for a comprehensive resource on enemy mode, I recommend the Escaping Enemy Mode book. I also recommend Skill 13 resources to help you interact with Jesus so you can receive His peace and perspective.
Jen, this is so true! I have been practicing the same skills with my children since I began learning them in 2018, and I can’t believe the difference it has made in my life and theirs. I can’t count the times that taking a moment to pause and get Jesus’ perspective has totally changed my outlook on the situation and helped me listen to their story. Now that my children are young adults, they thank me for teaching them how to remember the importance of relationship as they are negotiating university and life after. Thank you for all the work that you, Chris and the Thrive Team have invested in making these skills available.
Thank you for sharing Sara, it’s encouraging to hear how it can turn out on the “adult children” end of parenting!