Building Family Bonds

Emily Woodward is a stepmom in California who loves finding ways to bring relational skills into the lives of her family members as well as to her students in her professional role as a Speech-Language Pathologist

My husband and I got married when his 3 kids were ages 8, 10, and 13. I had read a number of books on blended families to try to prepare myself for the role of becoming a step-mom, so I knew that because of the kids’ ages there was a very short window of time when their brain development would be primed for building a family identity. Older kids would become more outwardly focused on bonding with peers, and my reading told me that this would form a very different kind of family than a “first family.” The more I got to know my new step children, the more my own heart sank as I saw more clearly how their earlier development had lacked skill 5, the ability to form family bonds. This wasn’t going to just be a new application of an existing skill, but something we needed to build from scratch. 

The heaviness of my hopelessness began to lift as my husband and I brainstormed an idea. The kids often begged for dessert, but the result was usually an unsatisfying negotiation about what and how much they could have, followed by them simultaneously vying for attention or arguing with each other, and then somebody ending up in tears or storming upstairs to slam a door. All three kids wanted to receive joy, but not to share it. This lack of maturity, combined with a hole where skill 5 should be, created a perfect storm when it combined with the kids’ neurodiversity and genuine challenge in being able to focus on others and other’s interests.  I had learned about the idea from Dr. Jim Wilder that God’s purpose for food is bonding. Our brains are designed to bond with those who feed us. The problem is that we can too easily bond to the tangible food itself rather than the people that we’re surrounded by. This idea had made quite an impression on my husband, and after some reflection and discussion, we came up with a new strategy. 

We explained to the kids that we were not going to have dessert every night. Each family member would be permitted to “host” dessert one night per week, and they would serve the food and make sure it was fairly allotted. We would also wait until everyone was served and then ask each other a round of questions, taking time to listen to each person’s response and staying at the table until everyone had a turn.  

The questions started off very simple – “Do you like ice cream?” We worked to eliminate yes/no questions and modeled what we call “curious questions” that are open-ended. Then the questions often included “What’s your favorite dessert?” and “What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream?” Thinking of a question to ask a sibling or a parent was brand new. Listening to the answer and remembering it so the same question wasn’t repeated too soon was even more challenging! My husband and I modeled thoughtful questions. “What’s one of your favorite memories of us being together?” “When during the day do you feel the most energized?” “What qualities do you think make a good friend?” Now when we have guests over, one of the kids will volunteer to explain “The Dessert Questions” and guests are included in the asking and answering. It’s slowly become a family ritual that has chipped away at being able to bond with more than one person at a time as we watch and listen to the questioner and answerer interact. Interestingly, as we have focused on the questions, the arguments about dessert quantities and fairness have also receded significantly!

A few weeks ago while we were having dessert, my now 18-year old stepson asked me a very unexpected question that brought it all full-circle – “Emily, I really like that we do these questions when we have dessert. How did you think to start doing this?” I shared some of this story for him, which was a serendipitous way that he got to be reminded of some of his own lived family history and reflect on how we’ve grown together. His question was also a grace-filled reminder to me that my efforts to build our family are significant and meaningful and to experience joy with him while the rest of our family watched joyfully (skill 5 again)!

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Learn more about Skill 5 (Form Family Bonds): https://thrivetoday.org/skill5