The Changes with Teens

I have been teaching and training about relational skills, maturity, how the body & brain grow at different stages in life and connecting with God through it all since before Chris and I were married 20 years ago. Despite this long history I continue to be caught off guard by how unprepared I feel for the changes in our kids and myself when living out some of the seasons I have long taught about. For me, this continues to highlight the importance of examples and models who have already navigated these seasons and can show me how to walk out something new and how to navigate the emotions and struggles as the seasons shift.

Currently our boys are working on building group identities with their friends, teammates and classmates. It is delightful to see them discovering more of who they are while also distressing as they sometimes learn the hard way what is not like them to do. While I knew this stage was coming, I have been surprised by the pain I feel as they gravitate more towards their peers and are less motivated to be with the family.

When we want to be with someone who is not available, the pain this creates is called attachment pain. While I knew this season of the boys individuating would draw them more towards friends, I hadn’t anticipated the way this would hit me. As someone who has found a lot of my identity in being a Mom and a lot of my relational joy in hanging out with my boys, I find myself feeling a bit lost in the midst of them not needing me in the same ways and “friend time” being more of a priority than “family time”. 

While I am still figuring out how to navigate this season (example stories welcome!), I will share a few of the things that I am doing to help myself in the midst of the changes. 

• I am giving myself permission to grieve as I say goodbye to how things were before this season shift. The grief has been a surprising part of watching the boys grow, mixed with delight and pride as they grow into Godly young men.

• I am seeking God’s peace in the midst of looking for what He has for me in this season as I let go of what I am used to and embrace the unknowns of the new season. I am looking for what it means to be “Mom” to teenagers and how that is different from “Mom” to the boys when they were younger.

• I am working to feel the emotions this season brings up rather than distract myself from them. Eating, scrolling, reading a novel, watching TV and busyness are all tempting distractions when emotions arise rather than letting myself feel, share and quiet them.

• I am asking friends with older teens/young adults how they have navigated this season. Their examples of how they have handled the transitions and receiving validation from them about my emotions in the midst of the changes has helped me.

• I am looking for the joyful moments throughout my day (even if they are in the midst of bumpy interactions) and holding onto those. I pull these moments back to my awareness throughout the day as I reflect on appreciation memories and embrace the moment again. 

• I am exploring what is important to me, what I enjoy and what is satisfying for me to do when I have free time. I am seeking God’s insights on who He made me to be and how I can express that in this season as not only my boys are changing but as my role changes.

• I am keeping in mind that this season change is unique from past transitions with the kids now that they are working on growing their adult maturity and I am beginning to move from the parent maturity stage to the elder stage. This season’s transition is not only a change in their identity, but in mine as well.

Regardless of where you are on your parenting journey, you are likely in the midst of, about to begin or just finishing a season of transition. The unknowns as things change and the feeling of uncertainty and lack of knowing “what to do” is normal. We all experience this to some degree and it is a natural part of us growing as our children grow.