In her story today, Barbara shares a time she used her relational skills to know what was needed for her friend’s toddler. Skill 18 (Intervene Where the Brain is Stuck) allows us to better understand what someone needs based on how pain is impacting their brain at the moment. In this case the infant was feeling sadness and attachment pain (wanting to be with someone who is not available). Barbara was able to meet the little one in his big feelings, and join him in his sadness and acknowledge his attachment pain so he didn’t feel so alone in his feelings.
Barbara Moon is a mother of 4, grandmother to 11, and great grandmother to 6. Family is very important to her and she loves sharing relational skills, especially with some of the grandchildren. Barbara is an author, speaker, and small group leader in the Atlanta area.
I had a friend whose husband left to live in England for a while. They had an 18 month old baby boy. The mom had noticed that the baby was not himself, but she did not know how to help him. I realized he might be hurting inside about Daddy leaving, but I was not sure if a “non-verbal” baby would understand any help we might give. Mom had not taught him any words for emotions.
So just in case it would help, one morning we were at the table in my kitchen. I was across from the mom holding the baby. I said very gently to the baby, “Daddy went away, didn’t he? (Pause) I think that is making you feel very sad.” The little fellow’s lip started to quiver, his face scrunched up, and tears came down his cheeks. We just sat together for a moment and let him feel. Then I prayed out loud for Jesus to comfort him and it seemed to really help him.
He was experiencing attachment pain and sadness and needed to know he was understood and not alone. Skill 18 of the 19 Relational Skills helps us know what pain a person is experiencing so we can sit with them, validate, comfort and not try to fix them with Truth if the pain is in the relational side of the brain.
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For more on Skill 18 and understanding what is needed based on where our child’s brain is stuck, revisit this video blog on 5 ways to help your hurting child.
You can also learn more at: www.thrivetoday.org/skill18
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