• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Pinterest

    Thriving Mamas

    For mamas who want to thrive, not just survive.

    • Home
    • About
    • Blog
    • Videos
    • Contact

    July 11, 2019 By thrivingmamas 3 Comments 0

    Attachment Parenting Part 2: Twelve Ways to Build Attachments by Jim Wilder

    Attachment parenting has picked up what Bowlby discovered about attachment – creatures that attach get close to one another. Bowlby called this “proximity seeking.” The way humans adopted this was to bring a baby into the same bed with the parents and have baby carriers in front, behind, on the sides, above and below the parents.

    Dr. Schore (nicknamed the American Bowlby) realized that closeness alone did not produce good attachments. I have picked up twelve elements from Schore’s work that help develop good attachments. There are more than these twelve elements but here is a good start:

    1. Eating together – who feeds us is the biggest factor in attachment. Who (or what) are you and your children looking at when you eat. Keep track of every time food or drink goes in your mouth for a week and see what your family is bonding to.
    2. Uniqueness – attachments are unique. Notice and celebrate the uniqueness of each person. Remember children don’t like to be called by their brother’s, sister’s or dog’s name.
    3. Specialness – why is this separate from unique? Letting someone know they are really special to us is quite different from “you are different.” Special is “I really like you!”
    4. Building relational joy – let your face light up to see those you love. If your face does not light up much, then share it with Jesus and let His look be on your face.
    5. Creating rest together – we trust those who see we need a break and share that break with us.
    6. Mutual mind – come let us think together so we know each other’s thoughts.
    7. Closeness and distance – like learning to ride a bicycle. I stay close when you are starting but let you do things on your own as soon as you are ready.
    8. Sharing unpleasant times and feelings – if we can only be close when we are joyful and rested, then life is a really big threat. Sharing closeness when we are upset lets us learn that nothing can separate us from love.
    9. Building a stable and accurate self – looking for what suits the identity of the other person in our attachments helps us develop stable senses of who we are. Children must learn to do this for others as well.
    10. Freedom to fail without loss of relationship – play is learning without punishing consequences. When we can fail safely, we will grow and love a good challenge.
    11. Stretching – insecure attachments leave us in a “comfort zone” that is too small. Good attachments promote growth.
    12. Part of a people – strong attachments make individuals into members and protectors of a people who will go on beyond our individual existences. Do you help your children respect and nurture their “people?”

    These twelve attachment elements help us be ready to teach our children to be present, build relational brain skills, develop sustainable relationships and resilience. Attachment will never substitute for learning skills. Attachment only provides us with the best place to start learning skills and maturing.

    In the next blog, I will discuss one simple and usually overlooked skill – helping children become people we can trust. One of the most frequent outcomes for parents who work really hard to attach to their children and show wonderful empathy is raising children who cannot be trusted when unsupervised.

    Comments from Jen:

    I was recently talking to a mom about her 4-year old daughter. Her daughter had much experience calming with her mom and recovering from upset with her mom, but the mom was exhausted. The mom had inadvertently become the necessary ingredient for recovering from upset for her daughter.

    Was her daughter capable of recovering on her own? Yes, she had enough practice recovering with her mom that she could have started doing it on her own but didn’t. Her daughter had not internalized this recovery from upset because her mom was her external source. After all, she didn’t need to because mom felt if there was upset, it was her job to attune. This mom did not yet understand the importance of point 7: We stay close while they are learning, then start to back off to allow them to internalize the skill.

    Which of the 12 attachment builders listed do you want to try this week? Pick a couple and see what happens!

    Did you miss the First Part? Check it out here.

    0
    Previous Post: « Survival Guide While Your Spouse Is Traveling
    Next Post: Knowing What to Do and the Importance of Practice »

    Reader Interactions

    Comments

    1. Nik says

      July 12, 2019 at 5:05 pm

      Wow…going to print this list and stick it on my wall. So very helpful!

      Reply
    2. Dawn S says

      July 18, 2019 at 7:58 am

      This is so helpful to see the other areas of secure attachment. I can relate that it is tiring to be on all the time helping your children recover from big feelings. I was recently talking to my junior higher about ways to calm herself when she is stressed. She explained the tools that she “does naturally”. I am so happy that she is starting to internalize these skills!

      Reply
      • Jen Coursey says

        August 15, 2019 at 11:02 am

        That is wonderful Dawn! So neat to see our kids internalizing these things and taking the initiative themselves:)

        Reply

    Leave a Reply Cancel reply

    Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

    Primary Sidebar

    hello & welcome

    Welcome to Thriving Mamas! We’re so glad you’re here. Feel free to reach out if you have any questions. And make sure to sign up for our newsletter to stay up to date on the newest blog posts.

    tips + tricks

    subscribe for regular updates and advice (and a free printable!)

    recommended reading

    • The Three C’s
    • Keep Joy High During Upset
    • Relationally Correcting Teens
    • The Journey of Appreciation
    • When We Remove Fear

    a featured event

    encouragement for maxed out moms

    a three night event series to help you find new ways to create joy, rest, and strategies for success

    learn more

    Tags

    4 Habits Act Like Myself Anger Appreciation Attachment Pain Attune Attunement Big Feelings Brain Skills capacity Children Comfort connection Discipline Emotions Endure Hardship Family Family Bonds Fear Grace Gratitude Immanuel Immanuel-Parenting Joy Maturity Overwhelm Parenting Patience Peace Quiet Relational Circuits relational mode relational skills Relationships Repair Return to Joy Sadness See What God Sees Stories Stress summer joy Thankfulness upset Validation Weakness

    Archives

    • Email
    • Facebook
    • Instagram
    • Pinterest
  • Copyright © 2023 · Thriving Mamas · Hearten Made ⟡