The Bedtime Experiment

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As a family we have been working on the maturity task of knowing what is truly satisfying. We have been looking for ways to help our boys notice what is satisfying rather than just temporarily enjoyable (see my recent post on Learning Satisfaction). The boys are getting older and wanted to have more input into their bedtime, so we felt this was a good opportunity for an experiment where they can implement the skill of learning what satisfies on a daily basis. 

They were eager to start having input into their bedtime, but I told them before we could start the experiment they needed to show me they could consistently get themselves up in the morning. This meant they set their alarm before bed and got up with their alarm rather than leaning on me as a “back up” alarm if they didn’t get up on their own. Once they showed me that they could get themselves up in the morning, we started the experiment. 

We had a number of guidelines we talked about in advance so we could all be on the same page with our expectations. They could pick their bedtime, but we set a cut off time for screens (which removed the temptation to stay up and be on screens). If they chose to stay up later than us they had to be in their bedroom by the time we went to bed. They were still responsible to get themselves up in the morning for school. Lastly, we would talk together often about how satisfied they were with their choices. This included checking in on how they were feeling, how their energy levels were holding up, the bedtime they picked and how satisfied they were with all of these elements. In addition, we made it clear that our expectations would not change for their attitudes and responsibilities at school and around the house even if they were tired.

The first school night they picked a bedtime about 2 hours later than their prior bedtime. The next day they were tired, but energized by the freedom to pick their own bedtime. Over breakfast and then again after school we talked about how their energy levels were holding up and how satisfied they were with how rested they felt. Over dinner I invited them to decide whether they wanted to go to bed earlier or later than the previous night.

The first week they continued picking later bedtimes and as the week wore on, their growing tiredness was obvious to me. Through one of our conversations about satisfaction I discovered they were afraid to admit if they felt they made a mistake over their bedtime choice because they thought if they made a mistake I would end the experiment. I was able to clarify that part of an experiment is making mistakes and learning from them, so I expect that they will make mistakes in the process and that’s ok, what would make me decide they aren’t ready for the experiment yet is if they were showing they couldn’t learn from their mistakes. This opened things up and they started admitting they were over tired and probably stayed up too late the night before. They began making better choices about a sustainable bedtime that would help them get the rest they needed. They also discovered that sometimes special things (like a sleepover or staying up to see the fireworks) was worth the lack of rest, but the bill would come due and they would have to get additional rest the following night. 

We started our experiment about 6 months ago and they have learned a lot. They are still learning how to make satisfying choices around bedtime and struggle more when there is something fun that tempts them to stay up, but they enjoy having the freedom to make their own decisions and learn from their mistakes. This experiment has given us a lot of good opportunities to discuss satisfaction and have concrete experiences to learn that doing something hard (like going to bed early) can be satisfying and that something pleasurable (like staying up late) isn’t always satisfying.