I am grateful to share my friend Gina’s story with you today as it is a beautiful example of discovering what is it like us to do in the midst of our fears and how to be intentional about love motivations rather than fear motivations. I love how she asks herself the question “what would it be like me to do if I wasn’t worried?” This is an important question for all of us, and one I often need to ask myself. Enjoy hearing her journey of how this question transformed her bedtime routine with her stepkids.
Gina Gallaun is a Colorado-based entrepreneur and author originally from Germany.
When I met my husband, he had been divorced for several years. He had a son, 8 at the time, and a daughter, 7 at the time, from his first marriage.
When I started being around for bedtime, all three of them had a very clear expectation for bedtime: I should be reading a story to each child every night. That’s what my husband had done with the kids for years. That’s what they all expected me to do as well.
So I tried. I read those goodnight stories to my stepkids. And I resented the experience. After a full day of figuring out my new life as a stepmom and having jumped into the deep waters of parenting when I had never really been around kids before, by the time bedtime came around, I was done. I felt exhausted. I had a headache. The last thing in the world I wanted to do was read out loud to someone. My battery was already down to 2%, and reading required more than the remaining 2% from me.
So I tried to come up with ways to avoid bedtime. For example, I established a strict rule that if the kids weren’t in bed, bathed, and teeth brushed by the exact bedtime of 8:30 PM, I wouldn’t read to them anymore. This arrangement left the kids disappointed and me tense every time I had to defend my boundary. Nobody felt satisfied.
It took me a year of dreading bedtime to figure out what I was doing. It was the difference between creating “fear bonds” and “love bonds”—two terms Dr. Jim Wilder coined that resonate deeply with me. If we do things because we worry about how others will react if we don’t, we’re building fear bonds. Love bonds, on the other hand, mean doing something—or not doing something—because we genuinely want or don’t want to, trusting that our relationships will be okay.
In my second year of step-parenting, I finally asked myself one of my favorite Dr. Jim Wilder questions: “What would it be like for me to do at bedtime if I wasn’t worrying about my family’s expectations towards me?” That was the first time since starting our blended family that I realized that maybe, just maybe, there might be a way to do bedtime that both the kids and I enjoyed.
When I go into my bedtime routine nowadays after a long day, feeling exhausted and with my battery at 2%, I come out of my stepkids’ room with my battery back at 15%. If you had told me this when I started out as a step mom, I would not have believed you.
Whether it’s the exact time the kids are supposed to go to bed or not, I do my routine with them because it centers us into the calming joy of being together and closing the day on a good note. My bedtime routine looks different with my stepdaughter than it does with my stepson. In neither case do I read anything.
With my stepdaughter, for example, we take 3 slow breaths to calm down a little to start our bedtime routine. Then we imagine a happy place. We pay attention to the colors, textures, smells, sounds, and what we feel on our skin in our imagination. We imagine someone who loves us joining us in that happy place. Hearing the creative and beautiful happy places my stepdaughter comes up with makes me smile. It makes me feel warm inside. Both of us feel encouraged, hopeful and connected after our bedtime together. When I leave the room, we each carry a smile on our faces.
I, too, now have a clear expectation for bedtime: it will be a fulfilling and satisfying time for all of us because I have found a way to stop building fear bonds and build love bonds instead during those precious evening moments.
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- Gina Gallaun met her husband and two stepchildren three years ago when she embarked on a world trip. During this journey, she interviewed women across the globe about how they navigated their fears with personal style to find joy on the other side. These inspiring stories are compiled in her book, Embrace Your Brave in 30 Days, which features a real-life courage story for each day, along with journaling prompts. It’s a space to reflect on how we can build love bonds instead of fear bonds in all areas of our lives—bio-parenting, step-parenting, work, romance, and beyond. Thriving Mamas readers can enjoy a 20% discount with the code THRIVE when ordering the book through her website.
I love the idea about thinking about what would be a satisfying bedtime routine for all of you 🙂 Thanks for sharing this encouraging story!
Thank you, Emily! ☺️