Have you ever noticed yourself reacting to your kids behavior, disobedience or attitude like it is an emergency that needs to be corrected “right this moment!”? I have to admit this is a frequent pitfall for me.
I see my boys not following through with what I’ve asked, or doing something I asked them not to or speaking in a way that is not respectful or kind and everything in me rises up and says “this needs to change NOW”. I feel a rush of energy, often frustration, and feel like this needs to stop and I need to be the one to stop it (afterall, that’s my job as a parent, right?). I easily slip into “problem solving” mode and start to lose sight of my children’s hearts.
In our home we have a rule that we don’t have conversations in “Enemy Mode”. Enemy Mode is the opposite of relational mode and when we start to see people as problems to solve or someone to be defended against. While I have been working on this for years and most of the time I catch myself when I am in full blown enemy mode, I find that I often miss the subtler moments when I am slipping out of relational mode and on my way to enemy mode.
In relational mode I feel curiosity, appreciation and kindness. When there are behavior issues, curiosity, kindness and appreciation slip away and I start to lose my peace. I start to feel like I need to fix the issues and get the boys back on track. I am losing my relational brain and slipping into enemy mode.
While addressing behavior issues is important as a parent, I am working on reminding myself that most often, the situation at hand is not an emergency. The priority is not for me to “fix” the behavior, but for me to interact from a place of peace. Sometimes this is as simple as taking a deep breath before talking to the kids. Other times it takes more to find my peace, especially when an interaction has pushed my buttons and triggered me. As my kids have become teens I’ve discovered it’s rarely helpful to address the situation in the moment (try to fix the behavior), and usually we have much better outcomes when we talk about it after the fact to look at the bigger issue (why is this happening and how can we address character, motivation and values rather than just a behavior in the moment).
I confess, this is a hard shift for me and, just like everything else about parenting teens, feels different in this season than when they were younger. I am celebrating the small victories, the times I catch myself before I say anything or I quiet myself and deal with my triggers before addressing the issue. And I repair with my boys after the times I address them with frustration and intensity rather than getting my peace first.
Do you also struggle with feeling the need to urgently address behavior issues with your kids? Or maybe your reaction is the opposite and you withdraw in those moments? I would love to hear what has helped you become more aware of enemy mode moments in interactions with your kids (please share in the comments).
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To learn more about Enemy Mode I recommend these resources:
- Book: The Joy Switch
- Book: Escaping Enemy Mode
- Course: Discover How To Escape Enemy Mode
- Podcast: E6 Understanding Relational Circuits
- Podcast E7 Understanding Enemy Mode
Jen,
Wow! “When it feels like an emergency” sums up so many moments in parenting! Well said. I appreciate your simple descriptions, your extended example, and your invitation to small practices that can change my response to my kids.
As far as my struggle, I’m finding that I generally feel confident in my children who are 8 and older to come find me to ask for help when they need it. If I see or hear things raising to a violent level, I certainly step in, of course. However, I’m struggling with my 3, 5 and 6 year olds. When their vocal tones get high pitched, their conflicts escalate often quicker. My general strategy then is to attend to my kids and the situation. I often find myself holding my breath. Best case solution: breathe again. 😅 If I perceive that my support might be needed because emotions are running too high, I often physically come nearby, narrating what I’m noticing and offering the reminder that I’m available to help. And, for my littlest, I still often physically position myself in closer proximity, offering the same vocal lifeline. Thanks for asking. 🙂
This was so helpful, thank you!
I am just finding this blog! This is my summer project…learning to not treat poor behaviors like emergencies! Pray for me (and my kids) as I begin to recognize and connect with my big feelings so that I can respond relationally instead of react in enemy mode.
Bella, it can be a hard pattern to change but worth it. Praying for you and your crew as you work to change your reactions. Give yourself lots of grace. If you currently react as if it’s an emergency 100% of the time and soon you notice you are only reacting 90% of the time that is growth!