Launching teens into adulthood comes with many hurdles and hiccups. Read on as Jen reflects back but also processes her current emotions off hitting yet another milestone as her oldest son earns his drivers license.
We now have a driver in the house. That’s right, our oldest son, Matthew, has his license and is now driving him and his brother to and from school, can get himself to sports practice and will drive himself to and from his summer job. This feels like a very strange, scary and wonderful time and my emotions span the full spectrum. I admit the first time Matthew drove his brother to school I watched the little dot navigate the roads from here to there on my phone tracking program, while crying. It was a moment of letting go, which felt freeing and terrifying all at once.
Each season shift brings unique joys and challenges.
When my babies (who are now teens) were actually babies I remember how exhausting, busy and joyful life was. Sleep was limited, leaving the house was a major ordeal and the days were full of smiles, laughter, occasional tears, snuggles and play. Alone time (even in the bathroom) was a rarity. I watch Moms of littles now and feel exhausted thinking about trying to keep up with a toddler, while also smiling as I see little faces light up to see their Mom and remember how my boys’ faces would light up to see me.
The chauffeur years were full of driving kids to school, appointments, practices or games and some nights dinner was consumed in the car between events. It was busy, but mostly joyful as we chatted in the car, listened to music or talked about the day. We would often stop at the library or park on the way home from school and loved to plan special trips to the zoo or local museums. Time with my boys was my hobby.
This season shifted again when puberty arrived. Conversations slipped to shorter answers with more irritability. They no longer wanted to do fun things on the way home from school and began to prefer the company of their friends over time with the family.
Now that Matthew can drive, it is yet again a new season. I find myself with more time to myself and more space in my schedule. But I also find myself having lots of emotions as I learn to increasingly let go. The boys’ increased independence brings excitement and fears in this next step towards adulthood. I worry about Matthew when he is driving and I’m not with him. I feel sad over the loss of time with the boys in the car. At times I feel attachment pain over their natural tendency to gravitate towards friends in this season. Sometimes I feel lost because I’m not sure what to do with my time as I am working to discover new hobbies that bring me joy.
So despite having more space in my calendar, I find myself less efficient as I can get bogged down in the many emotions that wash over me through the day. I find myself needing to take more space for myself to process and for quiet. I am being intentional to take time to explore what I like to do when I’m not needed as a chauffeur and seeking Jesus’ perspective and peace in the moments when the changes unsettle me. I know that more change is coming as they increase in independence, eventually move out and some day get married. I am grateful for Jesus meeting me in the changes and emotions now as the season of letting go begins.
For those of you who have released kids into new levels of independence, what has helped you along the way?
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After leaving home in 2008 and living 5 hours away, almost 2 years ago, my son and his wife moved across the country. No longer was I able to drive to see them. In addition, my mother’s difficult experience in nursing homes brought up a lot of mixed emotions about living alone with health issues. I was very glad for training in the relational skills, being part of a Journey group and receiving Immanuel Prayer sessions. God reminded me that I could practice asking for what I needed from friends, that I was a functioning adult before I had my son, and that Immanuel is always with me and is glad to have me notice Him wanting to share life with me. This change was an opportunity to spend more time noticing His presence with me, to trust Him to provide companionship and help. I was amazed at how many pre believers have become a part of my life. God has reminded me that He has used donkeys. He’s comforted me in many ways, sometimes even through Facebook posts or movies, as well as bringing to my mind songs and Scriptures.
Thank you Erna for sharing your experiences and how the Lord has met you!
Thanks for putting your experiences into words for us all, Jen. Reading brought back the memories of my own more intense emotional waves, and allowed me to see some of my growth in maturity, even in very recent years. My waves aren’t as intense and don’t last as long as they did, and I’m better at naming my emotions, and remembering to give myself time to grieve, to accept the changes, to look for ways to care for myself *right now*.
I have kids older and younger than yours and am preparing for a second teen driver this summer, and for her budding independence. As I was letting go of our oldest son, 18, across the last few years, I leaned on older friends who had launched children before me, listened to their stories and wisdom, and in difficult times, reminded myself of what “my people” do in situations like this. I journaled and processed and talked with a select friend or two about what aspects of this season for our family were “normal” hard and which were “dysfunctional” hard, validating my own pain. Differentiating really helped me to be tender with my own weaknesses, and my son’s. For better or worse, when talking and consequences brought about no behavior change, I dropped both, and simply tried to be glad to see him, regardless of his choices.
I imagined my son several years in the future, looking back with more maturity, and to mother him in a way we could both appreciate later, if not now. When my son brought the dog over to say hello or got me water when I was reading aloud to younger kids, I received these gifts with gratitude, even though other aspects of the relationship were tense for me.
I’ve been intentional about keeping my RCs on with him, regardless of his fluctuating states of mind with me, and we’ve managed to build joy and capacity despite real challenges. He gives and receives hugs and smiles throughout the day, listens when I have something to share, and talks when he wants to. Things aren’t perfect, but we’ve come through some very rough waters, and I’m deeply grateful for these skills that helped pull us through!!
Thank you Laura for sharing your ups and downs in the process. I appreciate the encouragement and celebrate the growth you are seeing in yourself and your relationship with your son!
You are navigating well, Jen.
Thank you Barbara for your encouragement!