Recently a reader asked about using ‘validation and comfort’ with her children. Read my reply below, then try it and see how your kids respond. I’d love to hear how it goes.
A reader wrote:
Attempting to validate my kids goes well sometimes, but frequently doesn’t go well. They usually have emotions over imminent events: time to go, time for bed, etc. So, validating takes time and feels like rewarding deliberately stalling. When I acknowledge their upset they tend to unleash flood gates of overreacting and irrational spouting. They also tend to spiral into related feelings once one is validated. So, I’m usually 1) doubtful of their sincerity and 2) tempted to avoid a lengthy and unsuccessful attempt to validate and comfort and to just redirect them instead. 13, 11, 8 years old.
This is such an important topic. Through validation and comfort, our children experience our attunement. Over time, they learn to validate and comfort themselves, building pathways in their brains that help them return to joy and peace after experiencing the big six distressing emotions. At the same time, validation can feel counterintuitive as parents. It may seem like we’re encouraging or agreeing with our child’s distress, making it feel like the emotions will only grow bigger.
I like to describe validation as saying what you see: “Wow, you’re really disappointed,” or “You’re feeling scared.” It’s important to match the intensity of your child’s emotion, not minimizing or exaggerating it. When children feel accurately seen, they no longer have to defend or prove their feelings. Feeling seen, heard and understood helps their nervous system begin to settle. Once we’ve validated the emotion and joined our child in it, comfort helps shrink the problem back to a manageable size. We might help them discover what they need in that moment or notice what is still good, even while things feel hard.
Emotional distress ranges from small disappointments to major meltdowns, so validation and comfort won’t always look the same. Sometimes a brief acknowledgment is enough. Other times, one emotion uncovers older or deeper unresolved feelings that need more time and attention.
There are also times when, before we offer validation, quieting is needed. If a child is already very upset and becomes increasingly overwhelmed when we attempt to enter into their feelings, they may need a little time to breathe and settle first. For some children this is rare, while others regularly need help quieting before they are ready for validation and comfort.
While validation and comfort are important, parents don’t always have the time or emotional capacity to fully enter into every moment of distress. Big feelings often arise when we’re heading out the door, leaving somewhere fun, or getting ready for bed. In those moments, brief validation can be appropriate. At the same time, there will be times when redirecting and distraction are necessary due to lack of time or emotional capacity in the moment.
Your children need you to enter into their emotions so they can gradually build their own pathways back to joy and peace. Early on, especially when they’re hungry, tired, sick, or overwhelmed, they may need more support. Over time, your goal is for them to increasingly travel that pathway on their own because they’ve experienced you walking it with them. Ideally, we have enough margin in our schedules to slow down and respond to big emotions, especially while our children are still learning this skill. If we constantly find ourselves redirecting because there’s no time to attune, we may need to look at whether our calendar has become too full. Sometimes one visible emotion has several others underneath it, and children need space for those feelings to surface.
Validation and comfort don’t mean avoiding the source of distress or changing the boundary. We don’t skip the doctor’s appointment because our child is afraid of the shot, and we don’t stay longer simply because leaving is hard. Instead, we stay emotionally present while continuing forward. Life doesn’t have to stop every time emotions arise, validation can happen as we walk to the car, buckle seatbelts, or head upstairs for bedtime. Our goal isn’t to eliminate hard feelings or keep our children comfortable. It’s to help them learn how to manage those feelings without needing us to remove every challenge. We aren’t giving them what they want in the moment, we’re giving them what they need, which is learning how to manage what they feel.
For more on what’s needed for parenting our kids at each stage of maturity, check out this book: The 4 Habits of Raising Joy-Filled Kids.
Jen, this is so good. It is so helpful to hear different ways to validate, and to be invited to embrace the difficult times as an important growing process.