Parenting is hard. Just when I feel like I have a rhythm for how I need to show up, things change and it can feel like we are back to square one. Not only is it disconcerting to not know the best way to handle a situation, it’s easy to feel like the stakes are high. If I mess this up, am I going to mess up my child?
Read on as I share how Jesus has met me in these fears.
The fear that I am going to mess up my children is not new. Over the weekend, Chris and I were sorting through some things in our basement in an attempt to clean it out, and I found a stack of my old journals. As I was glancing through them, I noticed an entry from when I was pregnant with our first child. I was crying out to the Lord because I was so afraid I would mess up my child by parenting wrong. I came across another entry, from soon after he was born, again seeking the Lord’s wisdom and direction because I was wrestling with how to handle a situation and what was best for him. Again, I was afraid I would make the wrong choice and mess things up.
Not everyone is as driven to get just the “right” answer as I am (aka perfectionistic and struggling with control issues), but many of us feel heavy under the weight of raising our kids and not wanting to mess them up.
While I have made many mistakes as a parent, one habit I am grateful for is talking to the Lord in the times when I am feeling fearful and uncertain. Over the years, interacting with Immanuel and listening for His direction has become an important rhythm in our family and in our parenting.
The foundation we start with is interactive gratitude: taking time to notice something we are grateful for and then listening for the Lord’s response. Practicing this kind of connection when things are going well helps build a foundation for interacting with Immanuel when things are harder. I wrote more about this practice in The Gift That Keeps On Giving: Interactive Gratitude.
We aren’t as consistent with these rhythms as we would like, but there are a few ways we try to incorporate them into our family life.
Individually, I try to notice when I have lost my peace, especially in an interaction with my kids or spouse, and take time to interact with Jesus and look for His perspective. Sometimes I catch it quickly, other times it takes me a while.
As a family, we seek the Lord’s direction together in areas where we feel unsettled or when we don’t see eye to eye. This doesn’t necessarily solve the problem or that we suddenly agree with each other, but it helps us find more peace and compassion when we aren’t on the same page.
Chris aims to sit down with each of the boys weekly and pray with them about areas where they are struggling or situations they are facing. Chris and I also pray together, especially when we disagree with each other and are having trouble seeing the other person’s perspective.
These are rhythms we aim for, not ones we accomplish perfectly. But we’ve found it helpful to have a target to aim for, even when we miss it.
Interacting with Immanuel doesn’t always provide a clear answer and rarely changes the circumstances, but we often find more peace, more perspective, or more compassion for each other. As I walk this path, I am finding there is grace for “getting it wrong,” and the fear that I will mess up isn’t as loud. And when the fear does get loud, I am learning to take it to the Lord and exchange it for His peace and perspective.
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