“Mutual Satisfaction” and the Power Years

“Mom, can we have a “mutual satisfaction” conversation about this? What are your goals and what is important to you here?” 

This is becoming a more common request from my teens but it still surprises me every time! Admittedly these requests are usually made when my son objects to a decision or rule. Occasionally they lead with this set of questions when asking for permission to do something they haven’t been allowed to do in the past.

One of the key tasks in the adult stage of maturity is learning mutual satisfaction, which builds on the foundation of knowing what is satisfying to me. As we transition to adult maturity, we also learn to consider what is satisfying to someone else and look for ways to navigate a situation that takes both people’s goals and desires into consideration. The goal is to find a solution that is satisfying for both parties.

You can read more about learning satisfaction and discovering what is satisfying to you in Learning Satisfaction and The Bedtime Experiment.

My sons are enjoying the realization that by asking for a “mutual satisfaction conversation” they may be able to have what is important to them while still honoring our concerns/objections as parents. As a parent I am enjoying involving them in these conversations and seeing their creativity as they find ways for everyone to be satisfied with the outcome.

Mutual satisfaction does not mean everyone gets exactly what they want. Sometimes there are parental decisions or boundaries that are not going to change, like our requirement that they wear helmets when biking. My son may not agree with the rule, and he may not be able to find a solution that allows him to bike without a helmet. But he can still be involved in thinking through what is important to him and what is important to us and finding ways to have as much freedom and satisfaction as possible within that boundary.

This is an important part of the transition into the young adult years. Teens are discovering their new power, physically, sexually and verbally, and learning how that power can be used to protect or to cause harm. Our hope as parents is that they will discover satisfying ways to use their new power that line up with who God made them to be.

One of the frustrations for teens in these young adult years is the tension between their growing desire for independence and freedom and the reality that they are still under our roof and therefore still have to submit to family rules, guidelines and parental decisions. They want to try out their newfound power and experiment with finding ways to satisfy themselves and others at the same time. Sometimes they will be able to do that, and sometimes they will still encounter a parental decision they don’t agree with.

As parents, how we parent changes during adolescence. Our role shifts to more of an encourager and coach as we release more decisions to our teens and involve them in family decisions rather than making decisions for them. We need to look for every opportunity to give them the independence and power they are ready for so we don’t create unnecessary frustration, while also balancing that with our God appointed role to guide and direct them.

As someone who struggles with the need to feel in control, this season is stretching for me as I let go and give them more independence and freedom. But I enjoy seeing them grow in their ability to ask “what is important to you?” and apply their creativity to finding solutions that consider both sides. These moments bring me joy and make me proud!

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For more on parenting our kids at each stage of maturity, check out The 4 Habits of Raising Joy-Filled Kids and check out the Becoming a More Human Community book series that goes in depth about maturity.